In the Surf

Sitting on the beach, you can hear the waves roll in and roll out. If you watch them break, you can even feel the pull as they draw back to the depths of the ocean.

Sitting at work today, I can hear the waves of rain and snow lashing the world outside. Through the window watching the torrent batter the world, I can feel the wind forcing the sheets of water to its will.

Floating through life, we also experience the subtle yet undeniable pressures of waves. They may not always seem to be waves, but through ups and downs we are pushed along and pulled back with the power of our own will almost completely wasted.

Mrs. Hattori is an English teacher at Nakano Daira JHS this year. A strong and confident lady, she is a caring mother and the teacher responsible for many of the special needs students. With stoic grace she is holding her head high, as her wave tries to pull her out to sea. A few days ago, her mother-in-law passed away.

Mr. Uehara is also a teacher at Nakano Daira. A homeroom teacher, he is young and popular amongst the students and staff. The force of the waves are combining to push him along at an incredible pace. In the midst of preparation for his students’ graduation tomorrow, he was at the hospital this morning, to witness the birth of his first son.

Students all over Japan are ending their school year. With the pomp and circumstance ever present in Japanese ceremony, the students and teachers alike are being driven by the currents. For many, the high of the ceremony is quickly followed by tears as they depart, for the last time as classmates, and the first time as graduates. In turn, they will be driven way up again, as they begin their new lives at their new schools. And still younger others will ride a similar wave into this school, the currents spinning them in circles as they try to adapt. The teachers too are not immune to these forces, as many of them are swept away to other schools. The force of this, while not unexpected, is impossible to prepare for, as the announcement of which teachers are leaving does not occur until after the graduation ceremony. The pull on these teachers also rips through the students, and rolls wetly down cheeks.

Ken Sakai is a carpenter and a snowboarder, maybe not in that order. He is a light-hearted joker, and is one of my best friends in Nakano. Only the second time I met him, he gave me a ride to the train station, as I was hobbling my way there on crutches. Since that advantageous day he and I have gone snowboarding and skateboarding together; we have gone to the onsen and the bar; we have had barbeques and parties. My group of friends has grown from simply being his friend. The current pull on Ken is so strong, that the rest of us are being drawn along with it.

Ken’s mother is dying of cancer. He is staying strong, and keeping his head up, but the draw of the wave is pulling him back to his hometown in southern Japan, near Kobe. This is not a short term trip, Ken is moving home. As the sadness of the struggle that awaits him at home sits in his mind, the loneliness of leaving the life he has forged in Nagano must also be pulling on him.

Ken’s upbeat attitude towards things will be seriously missed by the friends he leaves behind here. It was with this in mind, and in his honour, that our friend Jun organized a surprise going-away party. On Sunday afternoon, close to forty of Ken’s friends got together for a barbeque. Ken thought he was meeting two friends and some girls for a Japanese style get-to-know-you mixer. When he walked up to the rented out bar, he was greeted by a wall of those who have been touched by his friendship. The turbulent waves of joy and sadness were visible in his eyes. The evening went on, and after the arrival of more guests, and the performance of a band, Ken took the mic to thank everyone. His words were few but grateful, and his choked back tears left many trying to do the same. Sometimes the waves don’t break so cleanly.

For me as well this is a bitter-sweet moment. One of my closest friends is leaving, and his mother is very sick. It is hard not to feel sorrow. Yet at the same time, I cannot forget the fact that I have such a good friend to make me feel such a loss. Looking ahead to what it will be like after Ken’s charm has gone, simply enlightens me to how much Ken’s smile brings to the lives of his friends here in Nagano. I cannot help but feel a little proud that as a foreigner here in Japan I have managed to carve out such good relationships. I feel that I am not just living in Japan, but that I am actually living Japan.

The waves continue to swell and roll, bringing smiles and tears. Afloat in life, we are all swept around by the current. The highs expose us to the lows, and the lows remind us of the highs. At the top, we cannot fear the wave crashing down, and at the bottom we must never lose hope that the wave will pick us up once again.

Almost One Page on in the New Calendar

It is hard to believe that the year has turned already. As January slowly slips away, I am still coming to terms with the fact that it is the year two thousand nine. It never ceases to amaze me how time seems to both stand still and fly by at the same time. Over the past three and a half years I have enjoyed living in Japan and absorbing the language and culture. At times I can hardly believe that it has been so long, yet other times I see just how adjusted I am to life here, as things that are shocking or amazing to new foreigners have simply become part of life here for me. That is one of many reasons that I have not felt inspired to write recently. As Japan has become more and more the norm for me and my lifestyle, the quirky things I find become more and more acute, and less accessible for people on the outside of this culture. As opposed to finding a way to translate these to the page and to a Western perspective, I have simply been taking them all in and enjoying the new found level at which I can appreciate the intricacies of Japanese life.

As my window to the world of Japan has slowly been growing, I realize that the window to my world in Japan has been closing for many people back home. I am unsure if I can really offer all of my thoughts and opinions on Japan, but what I can share is a little update on my life here. This will most likely end up being very long, and I hope that there are those out there who still read this site, and also those with the patience to bear with, what I can only imagine, is going to be a lengthy look at where I am in Japan now.

Snowboarding and the weather

After a year of training my new ACL, I have finally been able to get up and go snowboarding again. This is the day that I thought so much about during my long road to recovery. As boring as tedious as the physio became, I kept to my routine with one thing in mind: snowboarding. The work definitely paid off, as last year, after having the screws removed from my leg, I was given the ok to board. Needless to say, even though it was spring I was up on the mountain the next weekend.

Fast forward to present day. This season I am once again the proud owner of a seasons pass to Nozawa Onsen Ski Area. I have been snowboarding 21 times this season, with ten of them being before the turn of the year. My knee has not given me any trouble, and it really feels like I was never off it. I have a real sense of accomplishment, and I am proud of the effort and patience I put into bringing my knee back to health.

Though my knee is in good condition, the same cannot be said for the ski hill. The weather in Nagano has been extremely strange this year. The evidence of shifting wind patterns has become very obvious this year. Starting in fall, a very low number of typhoons made their way to Japan. This winter started with a late snowfall in the city, and then a big dump. It was cold for a few weeks, and then warmed up to rain…even on the tops of the mountains. Right now it is hard to believe that it is January, and not actually some time in the spring. The last remnants of once proud snowbanks are now only mere slushy stains in my muddy backyard.

Cats

My two feline friends are doing well. Kuno has gotten a little bit bigger, but I’m sure she has reached her, albeit small, adult size. Usagi on the other hand has been his adult size for quite some time, but he keeps getting bigger. He is a bit of a pig, and if there is food in the dish, he will be there every fifteen minutes. The problem arises from the fact that Kuno’s stomach is only so big, so she nibbles then rests, and then goes back for more after. That is when Usagi swoops in and gobbles most of what is left in the bowl. I am thinking about building a special platform for Kuno’s dish, one that Tubby can’t get up on. That way Kuno can get the right amount of food, and I can monitor how much Usagi is really eating. The worst part is that if he is hungry (which is always) and there is no food in the dish, he will act up. He takes to scratching things he knows I will react to. I wish I could hold out, but there is only so much damage to the couch that I am willing to take before I feed the fatty. I throw him outside when he gets really worked up, but then after a few minutes he will be clawing at the screen door, begging to get back in. When someone comes over he turns to all purrs and cuddles. A big fat 5kg lap warmer…that leaves hair on everything dark.

Work

As many of you know, I changed my base school last spring. I have been working at Nakano Daira JHS since April, and I quite enjoy it here. The kids at my old school had started to take a big slide in behaviour, and I am very pleased to be back at a school where the teachers work very hard on fostering good community spirit and good relations between everyone in the school. The kids here are not angels by any means, but they are leaps and bounds ahead of the kids at my old school.

The teachers at Nakahei (the nickname for my new school) are all very friendly. The school is larger, so the staff is larger as well. There are some teachers whom I barely know, but many of the teachers have become very friendly with me. As I have no homeroom responsibilities, I seem to have more free time at my desk than other teachers. This combined with my desk being the closest to the coffee area and the common table area in the teachers’ room means that I often have random conversations with teachers taking a break. The chance to talk about many different topics has definitely helped my Japanese a little bit.

The Decision

The time of year has come again; I must make a decision on what I will do from August onwards. I have the option of renewing my contract for a fifth and final year, or to not renew my contract and follow a different path. The reasons being weighed on both sides are many and heavy. I have spent many hours recently, staring off into nothingness, trying to sort out what I will do.

Previously, I had thought that I would be given a bit of a bonus for staying so long. In August, the Board of Education asked if I would stay; when I mentioned the Olympics, I was told I could have the month of February off to attend. I was under the impression that this was a bonus for my hard work, and compromise for staying one last year in spite of the Olympics. However, in a meeting with the BOE last week, they reneged on that deal, and said I could use all of my vacation days if that was what I wanted. I was a little taken aback. We talked about it more, and came to a bit of a compromise (one with which I am not too impressed.)

Next year the Foreign Language Instructor in my position will be responsible for two large demonstration classes. These will be viewed and critiqued by teachers from various places in Nagano. This is a big deal, and a brand new person fresh out of collage is not going to be able to do as good a job as I will. I tried to explain this to the BOE, but the boss just kept looking things up in the JET programme guidelines book. I wonder if they really do understand how much more valuable I am, than some goon fresh outta his bachelor degree.

What I will decide, now I cannot say. The deadline is fast approaching, and I must make a decision by next Friday. In the end, the safe decision is to say yes, and if I feel like it later, I can change my mind. If I say no, then they will start the process to find a replacement. With the decision pressing harder and harder on my mind the closer I get to that last day, I am finding it more and more difficult to push my ambivalence even one point to one side or other.

Life

At meetings or other times I am listening to people new to Japan, I am struck by just how much I have become accustomed to living life here. The problems that many people deal with, even some with which I myself dealt with, are often nonexistent in my life now. The day to day things provide very little trouble. Grocery shopping, paying bills, everyday conversations, shoeing away Jehovah’s Witnesses, have just become another aspect of my life that I do without too much contemplation and planning. The only thing that still gets me is the recycling. There is usually one day a month for each kind of recyclable (glass, cardboard, plastic bottles, etc.) Each one also has to be taken to a specific location, at a specific time, on that one day. I of course have no map to any of these places, so I get by with the ones I know, and thankfully Yukari has been taking the ones I don’t know, and dealing with them in her neighbourhood.

My car was recently in the shop to get the Shaken inspection done. What makes this more painful is that the starter motor went a month ago. So about five hundred to fix the starter motor, and then another fifteen hundred to get the inspection and other fixes done, I have definitely taken a big bite out of this months pay cheque. It’s not all bad however, as after the inspection my rear defrost and wiper work, and also the new muffler means I don’t sound like I am driving a Ferrari around town. The down side is my wallet being so much lighter in my back pocket.

Friends

As much as I love to talk about myself, I thought it may be informative to let everyone know what is going on with my friends as well. Everyone is doing well, but this year has ushered in some major changes for some of the people in my life.

First off, Brandon is back from Thailand, and is teaching English once again (to his chagrin). The main reason he is back is snowboarding, and also to put a little money in the bank before he moves to Hawaii, which happens in May. Then it is the big life of a SCUBA instructor for him. B and I have been snowboarding in Nozawa Onsen with our friend Alan who lives there. Alan is doing well other than hurting his back at the beginning of the snowboard season, catching the flu after his back got better, and then getting his ass kicked by me in dodgeball last week. But now that he is healthy and rested after the beating in dodgeball, he is doing pretty well. Alan is also a fourth year, and it looks like he’ll be here for another.

Last year I became good friends with a guy named Justin. He lives in Nakano with his wife Kumi. She teaches at a local junior high, and he teaches one town over. They are great fun. They live with in walking distance (though it is usually skateboard distance when the weather permits), and they both like to cook good food and drink good alcohol. Needless to say, many a late night has been spent getting stuffed and sauced in front of their jealousy inducing flatscreen TV.

Other than foreigners, I also have a good group of Japanese friends. My good friend Jun got married a little over a year ago. Last fall, he and his wife, Shinobu, had a beautiful little girl. Her name is Neiro. She is really sweet, and is the best baby anyone could ask for. She is awake all day, and sleeps all night, barely a cry at all when she is sleeping. Jun and Shinobu even had a New Years party (only four of us, but still…) and Neiro never even made a peep.

Jun is also working a backcountry snowboard operation with our other friends Ken and Tatsubon. They have been clearing brush to open up the old runs of a closed ski hill. They have a snowcat to take clients up the mountain, and then they can ride down a whole mountain of powder. On top of all that work, they are also volunteering to help build some ‘kamakura’ (a Japanese style igloo) for the festival that is held annually at the base of that old ski hill.

My other close Japanese friend, Hiro, is doing well. He and I met in the hospital, as we were both in for ACL operations. It was his second time in there, and his latest surgery seems to have done the trick. In the last year he has moved out from his old place, into a place with his girlfriend, and is now engaged. On top of that, he has grown his handmade leather goods business, and found the time to build a skateboard halfpipe in his house. Hiro and I get along really well for the simple reason that we are both nuts when we hang out. Everyone around us is hanging their heads in shame or embarrassment, but he and I never quit! It is truly a blast to hang out with him.

Thoughts on Japan

Japanese gets easier, but there are sometimes when being a foreigner in Japan never does. As friendly and as polite as Japanese people are, there are still stereotypes that are impossible to break. These stereotypes are deep ingrained in the psyche of most Japanese people, and I believe that most people don’t even realize that they are drawing on clichés or possibly being offensive. For the most part, people who say discriminatory things tend to be people who I know to be completely accepting of foreigners. It seems that Japan has taught many people what “foreigners” are like, and that most people have taken that thought truly to heart.

Most likely this stems from the “Us” and “Them” attitude that is commonplace in Japan. This attitude is by no means exclusive to foreigners. Japanese have levels of speech depending on status, and there is a different way of talking about yourself and others depending on who you are talking to. It is simply a matter of social courtesy to speak in these in-group or out-group terms.

This is why, I believe, that many Japanese people have such a stereotypical view of almost all foreigners (even ones they have known for years). It is not a malicious definition of strange others, rather it is just that they have associated certain behaviours that they see in some foreigners and applied this to the entire out-group of “gaijin.” It can get annoying, and even verges on offensive a lot of the time. It is just strange for English speakers to hear generalizations about all foreigners, as we often define people based on their personal ethnicity. In Japanese, it almost always goes “So foreigners, right, they ah…” or “Oh that makes sense, you’re a foreigner.” In translation this sounds really bad, but once you understand that it is simply the way the structure of the language, and the history of thinking about Japanese as one, and the outsiders as something else, you begin to understand that even while it is a little rude to our tastes, that it is not intended that way. I try to not hold these strange stereotypes against the people who say them, but that is not to say I let them go unchallenged. This is a battle that almost all foreigners in Japan will face at one time or another (or many others to be sure). We must do our best to educate Japanese people about foreign cultures on a personal level, and do our best to not confirm the beliefs that already surround us.

Even with that in mind, life in Japan is not a bad one for foreigners. Though often misunderstood, we are often treated with a lot of respect. If you can speak even a little Japanese, you will amaze many people. Many people will be interested in you, and it is not hard to meet a lot of friends. Some foreigners fall into the trap of making mostly foreign friends, and therefore lose out on a lot. I have luckily made a place for myself where I have balanced my foreign and Japanese friends. Even when I am pissed off at something (like whale meat for lunch), I find it hard not to feel blessed that I have been granted this opportunity to not just visit Japan, but to live here and experience fully what it has to offer.

To all my family and friends, thanks for putting up with my distance, both physically and socially. I would love to make this year a better one for communication, and I will try my best. I ask the same of all of you. Emails and phone calls can work both ways, so I will endeavour to do my part, if you will too. Also, I keep the invitation open; my house has a very comfortable sofa and lots room for luggage. If you can spare the time and a little bit of cash, then you are welcome to come and stay at my place for free. There is so much in my life here that I could never begin to explain in words, and I would love to share that with all of you.

On one side of the ocean, or another, I will see you soon.

Proud of Maple Syrup

...and hockey, but that's about it right now. In as far as being proud to be a Canadian goes.

I love my country. I love the people (not all of them) and I love what we (most of us) stand for. I am proud of the role Canada has taken for it's self as an international leader that is working towards a better world. Unfortunately, for myself and like-minded Canadians we can no longer take a sense of pride in Canada's role as a leader in those respects.

Recent events have had me shaking my head and feeling the urge to (and indeed in some instances I have gone through with) apologizing for the backwards slide of our nations stance on certain issues which once defined our global image. Canada's (old) New Government has destroyed the country that I held pride in, and has replaced it with something so foreign that I feel this may be one of the largest disgraces in our short history as a nation.

Unlike the FLQ crisis and the sponsorship scandal, the current problem, while still getting attention, doesn't seem to be sparking the public outrage that is needed for the government to realize the intentions of the people. Or maybe I am wrong, and Canadians aren't any better than some other western countries when it comes down to having a government that is...what's that word...oh yeah, responsible to the citizens.

In specific I am thinking of two stances that our government has chosen to dig in on. They are, as you may already be guessing, our country's stance on capitol punishment, and even more concerning is the stance (or lack there of) on the environmental issues facing the entire planet.

Canada, a global leader in the fight to stop capitol punishment has slipped well past even being a contentious objector, to simply saying “well we don't kill people, but hey if you catch one of us and want to kill us, well whatever, we don't do that but hey we wouldn't want to be rude and make it seem like you are bad guys for that, so go ahead...just keep those trade routes open, eh.” Now I am not saying a convicted killer should be free to roam the streets, but taking a stance against the institutionalized murder of a murderer is not saying that either. What I am saying is that our nation needs to stand up and protect our citizens that are facing this situation in other countries. Even if we don't repatriate these people to Canadian prisons, let's at least fight for the staying of their deaths. If we are against capitol punishment, then we should be against it, not just sitting back on our haunches feeling morally superior.

The next one is the real sad state. OK, the Liberals didn't take the proper steps to get Canada prepared to meet our Kyoto agreements. Great, that's on the table. But hey, what a great chance for the new leaders to step up and show what a good job they can do. How about trying to save the sinking ship instead of just telling everyone to grab a PFD and hit a life raft? Or maybe the (dis)honourable Mr. Harper is trying to send a message to the youth of our country. If you can't do something in the time you said you would, just don't bother. Or maybe it's: if you can't do 100% just quit before you fail. Either way, Canada's New Government's new morals are a real asset to our nation, and our new PM (the 10kg spare tire he has is definitely new) is showing his wonderful leadership.

What gets me up in arms even more than him pulling us out of the Kyoto Accord, is the recent hypocrisy that his representatives have shown. If we were drawn out of Kyoto because of it's lack of binding targets for all parties involved (India and China being those of note) then why on earth did his government block a commonwealth agreement that would have placed binding resolutions on the commonwealth nations, which surprise include India! This is Stephen Harper showing his true colours. It includes green, but also blue, purple, red and brown. The colours of our surprisingly strong cash.

With Australia's recent elections and change of power, Canada now stands as only the second country that has not ratified Kyoto (in bed with the states, fuck I hope we have a condom, we know the diseases that they have) and the only nation that has not signed on to the commonwealth environmental agreement. Great leadership.

Granted, there is still controversy about global climate change...but there is also still controversy surrounding the connection between HIV and AIDS. But we pass the latter off as a bunch of goofs who are arguing semantics and standing in the way of actually helping. Why has the government shown that is not willing to do the same for those who dispute the former? Oh yeah, green. Big fat stacks of it flowing black and silty out of the ground in northern Alberta.

So this is it. This is my challenge to you Canadians. If you believe that the government is misrepresenting your beliefs and your image of Canada, stand the fuck up and say something. Post it on the net, speak it in your local cafe, hell, write it on a bathroom stall or bus seat for all I care. We have sat back for seven years and berated the American public for standing by a leader who they say does not represent their beliefs, but here we are and the shoes are on our feet now...and ah, fuck it, pass me another beer a hockey game is just about to start.

Well pass me a cheese grater, cause the maple leaf I once wore with pride hasn't faded nearly as fast as the principles of our nation.

Start with a Seasonal Comment

That's how you start a letter in Japanese: Recently it's gotten really cold, hasn't it? Did go see the leaves changing colour? The momiji (Japanese maple) trees look really beautiful now. It started snowing in the mountains.

As it stands now, those are all true. It temperature has dropped quite quickly recently. The leaves of the Ginko trees are a beautiful yellow and are covering the ground surrounding them. The Momiji leaves are a brilliant red, and a few have just started to fall. (They are quite resistant to the cold, and many leaves hang on until the snow starts coming down.) The amazing Karamatsu pine trees are changing colour. (That is right, these pine trees have needles which change to brilliant reds and yellows every winter.) And yes, the peaks of northern Nagano were dusted with white the other morning. This is Autumn in Japan.

The concept of seasons and temperature is such a regional idea. The weather in Vancouver has been colder than Nagano for the last few months. Your leaves are already falling, or have been whipped off the trees by the new November weather of high winds. Most of the leaves here have just recently started to drop, and the temperature as well. Our nights and mornings are finally colder than those of Vancouver. While a few nights of negative temperature would signal the onset of winter back at home, here it is the mark of mid-autumn. Even the first snows are not enough to have people thinking we are in winter.

Winter is getting closer to being around the corner, however. The next few weekends will be busy for the residents of northern Nagano. Yard and houses will begin being prepared for the coming season. Seasonal plants will be removed, one that live through the winter will be given protection from heavy snow and cold, kotatsus will be started, and heaters fuelled and fired up. In the mountainous areas windows will be boarded up to protect them from the weight of the ensuing snow. The turn of autumn is not just evident in the plants, but in the life here as well.

For me this signals the last push. My leg has been getting stronger and stronger, as the few hours of physiotherapy I do everyday are starting to show some improvement. Living free of my DonJoy has been simply euphoric. My knee feels strong and stable, most of the time. There are still the moments when I worry that a twist or a back-pedal will have me in the hospital again, but I think these are more in my head than my joint. Also the screws in my leg have been sensitive to the cold recently. A wise friend (with the experience of a large plate and half a dozen screws in his leg) told me that your body has a hard time making calcium around metal, and that minuscule gap is enough for the metal to expand and contract, causing the pain. Despite that, I have joined the gym again to ride the bikes, run, and swim. I don't have the time to do it, but I feel my knee needs the dynamic exercise that my at-home-physio isn't providing, so the time will have to come from somewhere (probably sleep). This push will continue strong until early December. That is when Judgement Day comes.

No, this is not some movie about robots from the future coming back in time to save humanity from impending disaster. This is me going back to my least favourite place in Nagano: Matsushiro General Hospital. On December 6^th I have my next appointment with Dr. Horiuchi. Short of staying there and experiencing the joys of the nurses and the food, I will have a full course.

I will lie down on a slightly padded plastic tray, and have the lower half of my body inserted into a large white plastic orifice. Then, as a reminiscent of about a thousand of those old-school force-fed-paper computer printers drones, magnetic waves will be passed through my knee, creating a resonance image that looks something like this:

I will be strapped to a chair and my leg will have to glide through the full range of extension and flexion, with the resistance getting harder and harder. I will also be made to walk a two metre plank (thankfully no hungry sharks at the other end) again and again, making sure that my footfalls are in a specific location, but while still keeping my gate normal. Finally, I will lie on a bed and my knee will be twisted and tweaked, extended and flexed, while Dr. Horiuchi searches for problems in my knee.

After all these tests, I will finally be a person again, or at least I will be treated like one again. Dr. Horiuchi will sit down, pull out the beautiful images of my knee, read all the lines of data about my strength and balance, and take the feel from his physical manipulation of my joint, and he will make an assessment about my knee. If all is good he will say something like this: “Your knee condition is good. Your course is excellent.”

Those are the words I am working so hard towards. Those are the words that will open my life back up. Those are the words that will begin my full return to sport. They won't free me from the hours of sitting alone lifting ankle weights, and doing squats, but they will mean that the countless hours I have already spent in that fashion have achieved the goal I had in mind. Those words will mean that the days of my winter will not be spent in my house feeling down, but rather up on the slopes learning once again how to ride my snowboard.

But that is looking too far ahead. For now I have to focus on doing that physio everyday, on making my leg even stronger, and on making that possibility into my reality. It has never been hard to quit or slack off...but in the end neither of those is really an option. I know the result I am looking for, and nothing but my hard work can make that a reality. This is it, as fall starts to wane into winter, I press on with my final push.

Going Commando

Pardon the long lack of an update. I am not sure if anyone even reads this any more. Summer was extremely busy, with the old guys going home, and some new dudes coming in. Between the proscribed physio and trying to get away for a bit, my summer vacation quickly slipped away. Events with work have left me angry with my employers, but then I have a good day with my kids and I know why I still love my job. Things have been up and down, rinse and repeat. But this week has brought some of the most amazing developments in about half a year.

My birthday later this month, will mark six months to the day since I received ACL reconstruction surgery. The process of rehabilitation has not been an easy one, nor did I expect it to be. The daily exercises have been time consuming, and in the summer heat, unbearable. The parts of my leg that the brace covers have been in a constant state of heat rash for months, and worsening as the temperature rose in August. It has been as difficult as I foresaw.

Last weekend I went it for my six month check up (a few weeks early, as my hard work had paid off, and my schedule was bumped up a bit). I did the full sphere of strength tests in the physiotherapy room. And then it was on to the doctor. He asked the usual questions, and then performed the stress and stability test. All seemed good, so I started to put my Don-Joy Custom Leg Brace (or Non-Joy as I have actually changed the name on it with white out) when bomb dropped:

He saw what I was doing and said this: “You don't have to wear the Don-Joy in your daily life.” I was elated. I had never ventured to imagine that I would be free of the Don-Joy so soon. He told me that running, biking, and swimming were all ok with the brace off, but to put it on when I do other sports. That got me again! Up until now I haven't been allowed to run or swim, let alone do other sports! But then he laid something else on me. He asked me to please wear the brace at least the first few times I go snowboarding. WHAT! I was resigned that I couldn't board this year, but he said to take it easy at the start, and wait for after the next MRI to push it.

I was shocked. It was some of the best news I had heard in a long time. My week had been really shitty, and that just turned it around. I am not going to push it too hard on my leg yet, but I have started to add some running and biking to my physio schedule. I am determined to get my power back up to full (currently at 70%) so that I can fully enjoy this winter. But the dream that is so close to a reality, of getting back to my sports unexpectedly pales in comparison to what he had said before.

Three days with out the Don-Joy and I am loving it. The freedom of movement and the lack of sweaty itchy leg is simply amazing. But it is also strange. I have been trying to explain to people, because they all ask what it's like to be with out it. The only answer that I have managed to find that fits the feeling is this: if you are a habitual underwear wearer, and then you miss laundry day and go commando one day, you don't feel bad or good, just different and strange. That is pretty much how it feels to be Don-Joyless. Strange, and sometimes unnerving (say at the bottom of a flight of stairs) but also exhilarating free.

So I can run, I can jump, I can swim, I can most likely board this winter, and I don't need to have the Velcro and plastic prison on my leg all the time. I have been busy, and had some ups and downs recently, but now I am way on top. And the view, it is damn sweet.

not for the faint of vocabulary

I'll write more soon, but for now you'll have to suffice with simply a rant, and no news.

I am going to kill my (expletive deleted) neighbour. He is a big (expletive deleted)ing (expletive deleted).

This spring I have paid my friend to re-do my backyard. We built a wood deck, a traditional Japanese BBQ pit, and a flower bed. The next thing to come are some mountian rocks, and a tree. This is all being made out of recycled and eco-friendly products. It looks really nice to boot.

Now my (expletive deleted)ing (expletive deleted) neighbour decided it would be a good idea to come over into my beautiful new backyard, and go to town on the hedge seperating me from the street. He absolutely butchered it. Essentially he cut the bushes in half, entirely removing the side on my backyard. He did this today while I was at work, but he only did half of the freaking thing...which is better than the whole thing, but it looks even more stupid now. What really pisses me off though is that the flower bed we dug and lined is now in the middle of nowhere. It was all sized up to give me more privacy, but now my yard is even more visable than before.

I went over and told (expletive deleted)in (expletive deleted) to stop it and not do any more. He seemed to not understand why I had a problem with him playing Edward Scissor hands with my backyard. In the end he said he won't do anymore, which leaves me with just one problem: how do I instantantly regenerate half of a half of a hedge?

What a fucking asshole.

Day 29 and 30

I used my clichés quota up in my last post, so I can't use all the good ones about getting toward the end of things. There are so many that would be perfect, but as crutches must be shed before walking well, clichés must be left behind in the interests of half-decent writing (since this is only a quarter-decent writing, I might throw one or two in towards the end of the line...did I sneak that one past you?).

Day 29

The last full day in the hospital started like all the ones before and the one that will come after; six something and the lights snap on. The cheerful “ohayo gozaimasu” is sweet enough to cause instant cavities, or turn your stomach. My stomach turns, as do I to assume my patented Morning Nurse Evasion technique. It may be that I was half asleep so my fake sleeping wasn't convincing enough, but I am tapped on the arm and roused out of my sleep. Plan two (Hiro and I created this one to try and avoid early morning blood tests), the moment after my arm is shaken I “wake” in a startle and convulse a little bit. It shocks the nurse, but she still hand me the thermometer and takes my pulse. I lie about the number of times I went to the bathroom yesterday, because honestly who keeps track of that with out writing it down. Ah yes, the last full day is going to be just like the others isn't it?

Morning physio and lunch come and pass with nothing special to note. Time is dragging today. Is it because my time is almost served, or is there some other reason that hours fill the spaces between movements of the seconds hand? On top of time being drawn out, I have begun to get a very strange feeling. I have waited so long to be in this position, ready to leave. It is just that thought that is sitting a little strange with me. I have been away from my life for a month, from my kitchen and my bed, my couch and Kuno. As I quickly as I was plucked from that life, I am about to be dropped back in it. I have been having thoughts about whether I am going to handle that well. The excitement surrounding cooking my own food and relaxing in my own space is definitely there, but I am also carrying around some apprehension. This is probably a very normal feeling, especially since I live alone, but to a very minor extent (in comparison) I have now gained a greater understanding of the feelings expressed in The Shawshank Redemption. I have things to go back to, and I have only been away a month, but going from such a regulated environment to one in which your freedoms are almost endless is very daunting. Even the desire for that freedom makes it none the less daunting.

Having just gotten to afternoon physio and strapping on my ankle weights, I am suddenly informed that I have an MRI. The test is no surprise to me, but the fact that I hadn't been informed of the timing earlier is a little annoying. Same old routine, lock up the valuables, take off all metal bits, and stand in front of the dude with the metal detector. I wonder if it is easier to get on a plane in the United States. Finally, I am lying down on the bed and my leg is being fitted into a support. When that is over the bed rises up and slides into the narrow centre of a giant cylinder. As the test begins, the same old sounds are emitted. I can compare them to nothing, as they are extremely unique, and if I were to be head first in the machine, probably quite frightening. Uncontrollably I shake, as I come back awake. As usual the sounds have mesmerized me, I just hope my jolt wasn't enough to screw up the imaging. Soon it is over, and I with drawn from the narrow passage and sent back to physio.

Back in my room I have begun the final stages of my preparation to leave. The trouble last night as actually wound up giving me a great head start on my packing. Most of my clothes are away, and since I know that I only need enough for tomorrow I can put most of the rest away too. I am having a hard time taking down my cards and other decorations, as I don't want my last evening here to be stark and sterile. After that it will really just be my computer and my valuables. Tissue and water are a few items that I will give to my friends in the ward. In these final hours, as I have taken care of most of what is possible so far, I can only sit and wait for that second hand to make it's cycle again and again until the time when I can take care of the rest has finally arrived.

I need to break this cycle of looking around and trying to figure out how I can better prepare for tomorrow. Since there is no Canucks hockey on right now, I am going to play some on my PSP.

Day 30

A month ago this day was unimaginable. Two weeks ago this day was a dream. Last week this day was still too far away. Three days ago this day was still undecided. Yesterday this day was coming all too slowly. Today is this day.

Waking up this morning, I could barely believe that it the last time I would wake up to those awful lights. The feeling could have almost been called joyous, save the fact that I was still woken up by those damn lights. Continuing along with the standard morning routine, check my temperature, make up some number of times I went to the bathroom yesterday, and take a shower. Breakfast wasn't half bad this morning, but then again it wasn't half good either.

The smile that I could feel across my face was stuck there for most of the morning. In physio my knee brace angles changed to 20 and 105. It is amazing how such a small change in angle can make all the difference. The discomfort of twenty degrees of extension is notably different from thirty degrees. Only one new exercise was proscribed today, the exercise bike. It is exciting knowing that I can try to ride slowly. The bikes here are tiny and archaic, and with the limited flex of my knee and the fact that the seat post only goes up to my hip, it is next to impossible for me to ride the damn things. A little modification (a sandbag on the seat) made it a little easier. After the standard routine it was time to start walking. Down the hall and back, up and down the stairs, and all quickly. The feeling was euphoric. If you have ever used crutches you will understand the joy of walking with out the damn things under your arms, but this was even more than that. A month ago I could barely move my leg, and now I can walk. I can go up and down stairs, I can turn, I can carry things. While running and jumping are still out of the picture, I can at least start to get some normality back in my life.

This is it. I am watching the Canucks game online, and finishing the last post I will make from this bed in room 607 of the hospital. In under an hour, I will pay my dues, and get a ride home. It is still almost too much to comprehend. Walking through that front door and knowing I don't have to come back is going to feel so wonderful. I really don't know what more to say about it, because I haven't sorted through my thoughts on it.

Before I go, I want to make some acknowledgements. My thank you list to the people who came to visit me:

Yurio

Kojima-kochosensei

Takayama-sensei

The Gals – Eriko, Tomoko, and Miyuki

Tokunaga-san

Brandon and Aya

Rich and Kaori

Maruyama-sensei and Kobayashi-sensei

Sayuri

Mochida-sensei

Shoko

Yoshikawa-sensei

Koujo Mitsuko

Mera Minako

Kou and Akiko

Jun

Shimoda-sensei and her family

These are the people that took the time from their own lives to visit (some many times) and make my stay in the hospital a little easier. They brought treats and flowers, and most of all support. I feel extremely lucky that I have so many people here that care about me. On that note a big thanks goes to all those in Vancouver who emailed and sent stuff, and to all you who have been reading my updates. While I often felt isolated up here looking out my sixth floor window, it was communication with you in Vancouver, and the support of those here in Nagano that really helped me get through this. I can never express the depth my gratitude to you all, thank you for your loving support, and please know that it made all the difference.

Next time you hear from me I will be on my couch!